


Cat and Mouse

by Fandoms_are_my_lifestyle



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Cat and Mouse by the Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, Eating Disorders, Heavy Angst, It's happy at the end though, M/M, PLEASE DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE POTENTIALLY TRIGGERED BY EATING DISORDERS, So much angst, Songfic, Triggers, please read responsibly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-24
Updated: 2016-08-24
Packaged: 2018-08-10 17:38:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7854688
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fandoms_are_my_lifestyle/pseuds/Fandoms_are_my_lifestyle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tsukki may not show it much, but he did care about Yamaguchi quite a bit, and that only made everything worse, because he would never be good enough for the brunet boy.<br/>Especially not if he looked the way he did.</p><p>Or: Tsukishima is Human and has both huge abandonment issues and self-image issues</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cat and Mouse

**Author's Note:**

> *Throws offering at you*  
> Um, so I wrote a thing.  
> Basically, my friend got me into haikyuu, and we were watching it, and all these different characters always seem to comment on how Tsukki never seems to be eating enough?? So I, being the devil incarnate, was like "what if my baby had an eating disorder??" To which my friend replied, "I hate you, never speak to me again.".  
> And so this was born.  
> Tried to keep this as realistic as possible, PLEASE tell me if I can change anything to make it better!!  
> Enjoy!!

> _**Problem** _
> 
> _**noun** _
> 
> _**A matter or situation regarded as unwelcome or harmful and needing to be dealt with and overcome.** _

He doesn't have a problem.

He doesn't have a problem even if he doesn't want to eat so much, he just needs to have control over what he eats and doesn't eat and that was final. So he doesn't have a problem.

He _doesn't_.

And if he did have a problem, who would care anyways? He was always cold and detached, so it wasn't like the team would care, his brother was too busy being perfect, his father had left years ago, and his mother was busy period.

Yamaguchi…. Would he care? His best friend, the boy he'd known since junior high…

His maybe crush. Maybe.

Tsukki may not show it much, but he did care about Yamaguchi quite a bit, and that only made everything worse, because he would never be good enough for the brunet boy.

Especially not if he looked the way he did.

He had started to cut back on food almost four months ago, trying to not eat for as long as he could before taking in as little as possible.

Worst part was, his team was beginning to notice.

_“Aren't you going to eat more than that?”_

_“Why don't you have some food, Tsukki?”_

_“You're never going to grow if you don't eat, Tsukishima - oh wait! You don't have too!”_

They didn't mean to make him feel insecure, Tsukki was sure, but that didn't quiet the voices in his head.

_“You're too fat.”_

_“You need to be thinner if you want to keep your spot on the team.”_

_“Don't you want to be better than your brother?”_

_“Your father left because you weren’t good enough.”_

_“You're too tall, Yamaguchi will never like you back while you look the way you do.”_

_“You’ll never be as good as Hinata or Asahi.”_

When the voices in his head screamed at him, he would refuse to eat. Most of the time he would ignore the pains in his stomach and continue working, doing homework and schoolwork until he collapsed.

It isn’t healthy, and the thing is, Tsukki knows it's not healthy. He’s not stupid, actually quite the opposite, and he knows what he's doing to himself could be considered a problem. It could be considered an eating disorder, because he'd done a report on the topic in biology class two years ago.

But he doesn't have an eating disorder, because he doesn't have a problem.

So he perseveres.

And sometimes he ran slower than everyone else because he just couldn't do it anymore, and sometimes he got tired to easily and passed it off as not having gotten enough sleep last night to Yamaguchi when the smaller boy asked.

It was all fine.

He didn't have a problem.

Right?

* * *

 

> _**Candor** _
> 
> _**noun** _
> 
> _**The quality of being open and honest in expression; frankness.** _

Tadashi knew there was something up with Tsukki. He wasn't stupid, he knew when his best friend was acting weird. He'd only known Tsukki since junior high, after all.

Maybe even longer - who’s counting anyways?

What he didn't get, though, was why Tsukki wasn't talking to him about it.

Tsukki wasn't known for his candor, exactly. Sure, he could be brutally honest, but he had never been exactly open about what he was thinking. And the thing was, Tadashi never expected that much out of him, never asked for more than he got, but there were times, sometimes, when…

When Tsukki kind of opened up his mind to Tadashi. When he told him tales of dinosaurs and listened in return as Tadashi rambled about the stars. Times when Tsukki spoke about his older brother, amazement and respect still lingering in his resentful tones for only Tadashi to hear. (Yamaguchi knew how much Tsukki still admired Akiteru-san, even after the elder had lied to him.) Times when Tadashi truly felt like he meant something to his best friend.

Tsukishima wasn't great at talking to people. He was cold, and prickly, and sarcastic, and always, always honest.

And yet - it was almost if he had begun to hold himself back, now. It was weird. And troubling. Tsukki didn't hold back, ever.

That should have been his first clue that something was wrong.

* * *

 

> _**Pretend** _
> 
> _**verb** _
> 
> _**Speak and act so as to make it appear that something is the case when in fact it is not.** _

_“Tsukki… Are you alright?”_

The voice rings in his head. Sweet, caring Yamaguchi was always there, always by his side. Dependable. Like the moon of Tsukki’s name, or the stars Yamaguchi carries both on his skin and in his heart. It isn't easy to learn how the stars work, but once you do they always lead you back home.

It's reassuring.

“Tsukki?”

Tsukki snaps back into reality at the tone of his best friend's voice, slightly worried tremor hiding behind a smile.

“Were you even listening to me?”

Tsukki feels his face grow red. He hadn't been listening, actually… Too caught up in his own thoughts.

“You said something?”

“Tsukki, you haven't touched your lunch. You need to eat if you're going to have energy for practice later!”

“Shut up, Yamaguchi.”

So they sit in silence, and Tsukki moves around his food just enough to look as if eaten and Yamaguchi drops the subject but Tsukki sees him watching the blond. He doesn't mention it again and Tsukki is glad.

He pretends not to know exactly how much energy and sustenance his body needs to survive, pretends that he is getting enough so that he will be perfect, perfect and in control of himself and also skinny and beautiful enough that Yamaguchi could maybe look at him with something more than worry or worship in his eyes. Pretends that the smell and sight of food in front of him doesn't make him feel crazy and out of control. Pretends for one second that he is good enough, not-asshole-ish enough, to be friends with the bright stars. Pretends that maybe someone does care. Pretends.

Finally Yamaguchi breaks the silence like Tsukki knew he would because Yamaguchi has never been good with sitting quietly, and Tsukki watches as the shorter boy rambles about something that Tsukki was in class to see. He doesn't bother to point it out, though, choosing instead to watch his best friend’s passion pour out of his hands and eyes and smile and to wonder how he ever managed to capture a ray of starlight during the daytime.

He pretends he cannot feel the rumbling in his stomach as he feasts his eyes on the beauty of his best friend and wonders if he will ever be enough.

* * *

 

> **_Control_ **
> 
> **_Noun_ **
> 
> **_The power to restrain something, especially one's own emotions or actions. A means of limiting or regulating something._ **

In the end, he does collapse.

Embarrassingly, it's at a training camp with a bunch of teenagers watching, and apparently Kei has miscalculated the amount of sugar he would need to keep his body functional because _this wasn't supposed to happen, damnit!_

He'd thought that he'd thought this through enough. He thought he knew exactly how much he could eat in order to keep his body functional and still lose some of the unwanted fat, get rid of the ugliness of his body.

He'd thought he'd had it under control. He’d thought he’d known what he was doing.

Oh, how wrong he was!

He wakes up again in a hospital, alone and surrounded by darkness, staring at the ceiling until a pretty nurse with red hair (not unlike Hinata’s) comes in and begins to fuss over him.

“Wha’ - what happened?”

She _tsks_ disapprovingly. “You collapsed, sweetie. Severe malnutrition, it seems. You simply didn’t have enough carbohydrates and sugars in your body to keep it going. You-”

He tunes her out, lets her voice wash over him, still wondering how he’s managed to mess everything up.

_I thought I’d had everything under control._

The sound of the nurse saying a name catches Kei’s attention and he tunes back in quickly.

“Sorry, what?”

She laughs, then repeats what she had said. “Your friends were worried about you. The dark one with the freckles - He told me to call him Yamaguchi - seemed especially worried, we almost couldn’t get him to go home at the end of visiting hours. Seems to be a very special friend, hmm?”

“Yama…” Kei’s tongue felt heavy. He didn’t want to go back to sleep, he had too many questions, but he could already feel himself slipping back into the abyss.

“Sorry… Yama…”

* * *

 

> _**Blame** _
> 
> _**Verb** _
> 
> _**To assign responsibility for a fault or wrong.** _

The worst part of all of this, Tadashi thinks, was the fact that he’d known that there was something wrong with Tsukki. He'd seen this coming, almost, and that made this - all of the events of the past 12 hours - all his fault.

It was his fault. He should have said something, should have done more, tried harder - but he hadn’t.

He’d tried to stay with Tsukki in the hospital. He’d wanted to stay so badly; the Tsukishima family could not get down to Tokyo and that would mean Tsukki would wake up alone. He’d wanted to stay so badly, and it had taken the combined efforts of Captain Ennoshita and Tanaka to drag him out of the Tokyo hospital. He cried the whole way back Nekoma’s campus, but the other boys were nice enough to not mention it.

The next day, Tadashi felt like the most anxious being in the entire world. He hadn’t slept well, kept up with worry and guilt, and apparently it showed as Ennoshita made him sit out the first game.

Takeda Sensei had promised to take him to the hospital as soon as possible, and he kept his word; they left shortly after lunch. The twenty minute car ride seemed to span an eternity.

It was strange, how the strangest situations can bring back the randomest memories. Sitting there in a borrowed car with Takeda Sensei, his mind brought up a vivid image of - of all people - Hinata Shoyou, almost a year ago, from the last Nekoma training camp. _What would you say to Tsukishima?_ Hinata had asked him then. _What would you want to tell him?_

Now more than ever, Tadashi wishes he could always speak his mind to Tsukki like he had that night. He’d gotten better at it, sure, but he had never been able to speak his mind like Tsukki could.

 _Maybe if you were able to speak,_ the little voice in the back of his mind whispered _, maybe if you could have voiced your worries, this never would have happened. And that makes this your fault, Yamaguchi Tadashi. All your fault._

“Yamaguchi-kun?”

Takeda-sensei’s voice cuts through his thoughts and Tadashi looks up to see that they had arrived at the Tokyo hospital at which Tsukki was staying. The man was watching him with kind eyes, silently asking if Tadashi needed anything, ( _the only thing he needed right now was for Tsukki to be with him and there was only one way of achieving that_ ) if he was ready to do this, ( _he wasn’t_ ) if he was okay ( _he really wasn’t_ ).

Tadashi sat there for a millisecond and then set his jaw. Tsukki was inside. He needed Tsukki.

And there was only one way he was going to get to him.

“Let’s go.”

* * *

 

> **_Fear_ **
> 
> **_Noun_ **
> 
> **_An unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat._ **

_This is wrong._

_You shouldn’t be seen like this._

_You are weak,Tsukishima Kei._

Yamaguchi stands in his doorway. He is so close, too close, Kei can almost feel him. He can feel, rather than see, the words on Yamaguchi’s tongue that he is too scared to say. He can feel his best friend’s hesitation, even without having opened his eyes.

“I’m not going to break, you know.”

Without even hearing it, he expects the “ _Sorry, Tsukki_ ” but to his surprise, it never comes. He opens his eyes to see Yamaguchi staring at him, shaking like a leaf. Is he shaking from anger? Sadness?

Kei is more frustrated by the fact that he cannot tell than the fact that Yamaguchi still has not spoken, but that doesn’t make it any less annoying. Kei has always been able to read his friend, and yet at the moment he cannot tell what is going through Yamaguchi’s head.

“I know…” Yamaguchi’s voice does not tremble, and for a moment Kei flashes back to that fateful training camp, Yamaguchi’s hands steady at Kei’s throat as he yells at him to get serious about his passions. He is the same steely calm as he was then, set on saying whatever is inside his head.

“Tsukishima.”

Yamaguchi has not called him by his full name in years, and it hurts him. It hurts more than anything that has happened in the past few days.

And suddenly he is crying, crying like he has not cried in years, because everything is _too much too fast_ and he just cannot deal with the disappointed look he knows must reside in Yamaguchi’s eyes. He is crying so hard and he _can't stop won’t stop too much too fast_ \- and then Yamaguchi is in front of him, holding him, telling him to _breathe, Tsukki, breathe._

Despite the situation, he feels warm. Safe. The feeling of security Yamaguchi’s arms never fail to provide him with is still there.

It only makes Kei cry harder, because he knows Yamaguchi will leave now. Just like his father, just like Akiteru betrayed him, his former best friend will as well. Because isn’t that just how it goes?

He cries and cries in Yamaguchi’s arms, sobbing until he has no tears left to cry. His best friend holds him until he eventually slumps over, exhausted.

“Tsukki?”

He grunts, face still buried in Yamaguchi’s neck.

“Why haven't you been eating? And don't you dare try to tell me that it's nothing or I'm being paranoid. I know I'm not. I'm not stupid, Tsukishima.”

“You're not stupid. And you're not… Not wrong, either.”

Kei slumped back against his pillows, exhausted just from speaking the words.

“But why?” Yamaguchi whispers, tears beginning to form in his brown eyes. “I don't understand, Tsukki. Why would you…”

Kei sits in silence, debating his next words. The normally brash teen could think of nothing to say. He had to be honest, though, as it was quite possible the fate of his only friendship rested on his next words.

“In the beginning, I think it was about… Having something to control, you know? Like, if nothing else made sense at least I could control what I ate. And the funny thing was, I knew I had a problem and I just didn't want to admit it… It was always in the back of my head that what I was doing was wrong but I didn't want to stop. And I ended up thinking that maybe I could improve myself, that I could maybe finally be enough, but no matter how skinny I became it was never enough, you know?” And he's crying again, even though he had thought he had no tears left, because just speaking seems hard right now. “And then I just couldn't stop, even though I really wanted to sometimes and then I must have miscalculated the amount of carbs I needed to get through the game and I know I made a mistake and I’m sorry and pleasedon'tleaveme!”

Yamaguchi’s hands, which had been rubbing comforting circles onto Kei’s back, still and Kei braces himself for what he already knows is coming.

“Leave you?” Instead of the biting words he expects, Yamaguchi’s voice is soft and confused. “Why would I leave you?”

Kei blushes, the side of him that only comes out around Yamaguchi rearing its ugly head and leaving him an embarrassed, blushing mess. But…

“Everyone does, it's inevitable that you will as well.”

“Why would I? We've been friends for years, Tsukki, when have I ever implied that I didn't want to be around you? I've basically followed you around for so long, there's no way I would ever leave unless you asked me to.”

“I would never.”

“Well then there's nothing to worry about, is there?” Yamaguchi smiles, though he knows they have to get back to the original problem, and he speaks once again. "You're so perfect, Tsukki, there's no reason to do this - can't you see that??"

Kei opens his mouth, wants to argue with him, but the nurse has reappeared to tell Yamaguchi that visiting hours are over and he'll have to come back to see Kei tomorrow.

This isn't over.

* * *

 

> **_Forgiveness_ **
> 
> **_Noun_ **
> 
> **_The action or process of forgiving or being forgiven._ **

"You know, we never got to actually talk about all of this."

Yamaguchi once again stands alone in front of his hospital bed, Takeda-sensei having left after telling Kei he's to be released later today.

"Yamaguchi..."

"No, Tsukki. Just - just listen."

And then headphones are being slipped over his head and a song begins to play in English - and Kei is used to this, used to him and Yamaguchi communicating through sharing songs, but he does not expect what he hears.

_Am I supposed to be happy? ([x](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2oL17cPdAmE))_

_with all I ever wanted, it comes with a price._

_Am I supposed to be happy?_

_with all I ever wanted, it comes with a price._

_You said, you said that you would die for me..._

_You must live for me too'..._

_For me too...yeah, yeah..._

_You said that you would die for me..._

He stares at Yamaguchi as the song fades out, and the boy gulps.

"What I'm trying to say is - you're perfect to me, Kei, and I don't want to keep watching you almost kill yourself because you're not eating enough. I don't think you're fat or ugly or whatever it is that you're thinking is prompting you to not take proper care of yourself, but-"

"Kei?"

Yamaguchi stops, then blushes beet red. "What?"

"You called me Kei."

Yamaguchi's blush intensifies, if such a thing is even possible.

"S-sorry, Tsuk-"

"Tadashi." The name rolls off Kei's tongue like silk and he wonders why it took him so long to say it. "I don't mind."

And ~~Yama~~ \- no, _Tadashi_ is staring at him with wonder in his eyes, like all those years ago in the schoolyard, and suddenly red, chapped lips are on his and Kei is in flames, he is drowning in fireworks and everything is bright and perfect, and _Gods_ he can't remember why it took them so long to get around to this.

Tadashi pulls back and stares him in the eyes.

"I need you to live for me, Kei. I need you to get better - and it's not going to be easy, but I'll be here for you. But you need to trust me. Do you??

Kei does.

* * *

 

> **_Restoration_ **
> 
> **_Noun_ **
> 
> **_The action of returning something to a former owner, place, or condition._ **

Tadashi is right, of course - it's not easy. In fact, it's far from it.

There are days when Kei cannot stomach looking in the mirror, because all he sees is a fat, too tall, awkward, mean person who does not deserve the love of such a pure, good person as Tadashi.

There are days when he cannot bring himself to eat, for he feels out of control and wishes to control at least something.

There are days where Kei simply does not know how to cope.

And yet, on those days, Kei finds that Tadashi is always there for him, with a _you're beautiful, Kei, so perfect and I love you more than anything_ and a _you're okay, you're fine, you don't have to too eat so much but try one bite for me please_ , or sometimes just a kiss and a cuddle when things get to be too much.

Kei still has a hard time believing Tadashi, when his love tells him he's beautiful or perfect, but he knows one thing - he'll spend the rest of his life trying to be the person Tadashi knows he is.

And maybe that's enough.

* * *

 

_You said, you said that you would die for me,_

_You must live for me too._

**Author's Note:**

> Song is here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2oL17cPdAmE  
> Again, if there is anything I can change to make this better/more realistic please let me know.  
> Kudos?? Please??


End file.
